Ignorance, I Shall Call Thee “Soccer Bashing” – Part 1

The following is a guest post from my good friend and soccer mentor/guru, Matt Robertiello.  Matt is an accountant living in Brooklyn, NY who had the pleasure of spending two years as my roommate in Philadelphia and is an avid supporter of all things soccer in the US, and throughout the world. His passion and inclusive nature was the driving force behind my initiation into the sport.

This is his first guest post on BrettASnyder.com, and the first of a two-part series, confronting the unbridled ignorant ramblings aimed at his favorite sport.  His words 🙂

As one of Brett’s friends and an avid supporter of the beautiful game (soccer/football to the uninitiated), I find that a lot of my time is occupied by defending my viewpoints. Brett, while a close and trusted friend, is a stubborn,  opinionated SOB sometimes which has forced me to hone my now stellar debate skills over the two years we spent as roommates. As a soccer fan, I’ve had numerous encounters when meeting new people or making small talk over lunch with co-workers, when my sporting interests came into debate.

“It’s too slow.”

“They don’t score enough.”

“Why are they wearing shorts?”

“How hard can I be to kick a ball into that huge goal?”

All of these and more (such as some of the more ridiculous questions like “Why aren’t they using their hands?) are things that I have heard and continue to hear as soccer has begun to take hold in the States. Make no mistake, I am by no means suggesting that the sport is on the same level as the traditional powerhouses of the professional sports world, the MLB and NFL, leagues have been around since 1875 and 1920, respectively. The most successful franchises in these leagues have worldwide reach and fanatical followings and supporter groups to match. The MLS, founded in 1996, can’t say that.

Yet.

While the statement may seem far off, judging by the glut of articles, blog posts, memes, and overall trolling floating around the web, one might be inclined to say that the reality of a soccer-influenced and MLS-crazy United States may not be as far off as once thought. These bashing articles are commonplace along the scrapheap of crap floating around the internet. Take this article from the Wall Street Journal, a bastion of journalistic integrity and unbiased news reporting. Well, read for yourself….

“Soccer is running America into the ground, and there is very little anyone can do about it. Social critics have long observed that we live in a therapeutic society that treats young people as if they can do no wrong. Every kid is a winner, and nobody is ever left behind, no matter how many times they watch the ball going the other way. Whether the dumbing down of America or soccer came first is hard to say, but soccer is clearly an important means by which American energy, drive and competitiveness are being undermined to the point of no return.”

Mr. Webb, a professor of religion and philosophy at Wabash College, opens his argument with a generalized, blanket statement about the dangers of soccer yet provides no detailed supporting points. Soccer is not the only sport that declares games between youngsters as draws no matter the real score. I have a vivid memory of my childhood where Matt Mockoviak’s Giants got the better of my Rangers in a tee-ball game by the score of 15-1. The coaches tried to tell us it was a tie – to which my astute 7-year-old brain thought “well that’s pretty much impossible” – and the next day in school I hung my head in shame. Matt wasn’t an athletic kid, he was just loving the ability to ride the coattails of those who had battered my team.

Hm, so maybe baseball is also one of those activities that “treats young people as if they can do no wrong”, where “every kid is a winner, and nobody is ever left behind, no matter how many times they watch the ball going the other way.” I don’t ever recall being told that every game was a tie after I turned 7 years old and began playing in Division 6 in the high-caliber WM P.A.L. All I remember are the games (played on top of a capped-off dump), the halftime orange slices, and the first and only time I’ve ever been stung by a bee (on the back of my knee during a furious run down the left flank towards goal. Well, maybe more like an overzealous attempt at bumbling after a ball by a 7-year-old hopped up on Ssips and orange slices, but I digress…)

Mr. Webb continues:

“What other game, to put it bluntly, is so boring to watch? (Bowling and golf come to mind, but the sound of crashing pins and the sight of the well-attired strolling on perfectly kept greens are at least inherently pleasurable activities.) The linear, two-dimensional action of soccer is like the rocking of a boat but without any storm and while the boat has not even left the dock. Think of two posses pursuing their prey in opposite directions without any bullets in their guns. Soccer is the fluoridation of the American sporting scene.”

Well, Mr. Webb, I’m going to agree with you and say that bowling and golf are boring to watch. Because they are. And no, the sound of crashing pins – they’d have to be of Michael Bay size and sound proportions to get anywhere near attracting a normal person’s interest level – nor the sight of the so-called “well-attired” are pleasurable activities. Have you SEEN John Daly (fig.1):

Ian freakin’ Poulter:

or Rickie Fowler:

The sight of a ingeniously crafted goal off of a sequence of flowing passes, selfless runs, and peerless technique… yes that’s a pleasurable activity. Watching a team, penned into 5 yards of space in their own defensive third, maneuver their way out of danger with crisp, one touch-passing, and into a ruthless counter attack in the blink of an eye… beautiful.

I’m not quite sure how soccer can be called two-dimensional, when in comparison both bowling and golf are sports played on prescribed pathways, aiming directly at the objective. Soccer provides a 120×80 square yard area offering endless options and opportunity to move throughout the pitch with and without the ball, to create space and ultimately goal-scoring chances. Bowling offers a repetitive hobby that can be broken down and mastered by anyone with sufficient time, money, and requisite wherewithal. Golf, while requiring immense skill to strike a tiny ball hundreds of yards and tap it in an equally tiny hole, is similar in that it involves mastery of attributes. Mr. Webb couldn’t have chosen two worse examples than golf and bowling to compare to the sport he’s calling “boring” and “two-dimensional.”

Webb goes on to put forth four points, audaciously claiming that his number of arguments are “more points than most fans will see in a week of games – and more points than most soccer players have scored since their pee-wee days.”  Check back this weekend where I’ll examine each of these four points and, fighting back the urge to vomit, explain to Mr. Webb how short-sighted and truly ill-informed these “points” truly are.